It was brought to my attention that I was having a hard time with what it meant to break rules (whether with purpose or not), and to be ok with the after effect. Now I’m not talking about committing a felony, I’m talking about the kind of rules that I have made up by myself and for myself, and others.
For example: I had a preconceived idea of what Motherhood “should” look like and sound like, and it certainly didn’t involve raised voices or becoming exhausted by the sometimes daily trickery of raising a constantly-changing human being!
So when I found myself raising my voice and becoming agitated, I used to beat myself up with self-talk of what a horrible mother I was being, how could I expect my children to love me with a tone of voice like that, and that I was truly unqualified to be any sort of “good” mother. And because of this attitude and self-belief, I spun into a downward spiral of self-loathing and getting more upset, more often, and anger toward myself increasing, which then in turn came out on my children and spouse. My joy in and for life was crumbling pretty quickly.
When I learned about how hypnosis and NLP (Neuro-Lingusitics Programming), could help me to overcome these self-destructive thoughts and behaviours, and I started seeing and hearing and feeling the results when using them, the relief that came was indescribable!
Let me tell you about an observation I made a few weeks ago surrounding this theme and what I did to get back into a more useful mindset:
I was getting caught up in old thought patterns of beating myself up whenever I broke my own set of rules. My mentor and coach suggested I do some Phobia Theatre around this and to use modelling toward finding new ways of responding.
In the process of exploration and curiosity, I realized that past mindsets toward religious teachings and beliefs were coming up. As a result I was having a lot of emotions and thoughts toward thinking I was going to be damned to hell because of my sin and I felt a lot of tightness in my throat and chest. I also realized that I have been HUGELY internally sorted in this area. I couldn’t even see that other people break rules ALL the time! I thought that I seemed to be the only one who broke rules or definitely was the “worst sinner” who didn’t deserve grace, mercy, love, or forgiveness.
Upon realizing this in myself, I decided to take action.
I intentionally chose to notice and be curious about how other people around me break rules and get through it. I had a fascinating experience today during my 121 with a colleague from my BNI group, where I allowed myself to really step into her shoes. There were some perspectives and ways of doing things that were not how I have done things in life or how I have viewed the world because of the rules I have held for myself. And yet the beauty in life and the lessons she has learned and is grateful for, from and because of those rules she has purposely and purposefully chosen to make, have given her a rich life and perspective!
In getting out of my feelings and deciding to look externally, I feel SO much relief!! I can choose curiosity instead. I can notice and wonder, which is such an innocent kid thing to do, and I would much rather have that!
My guilt and shame and messy human self from the past doesn’t have to be my identity.
I know that old patterns and behaviours can rear their ugly heads again, but I know I have some of the best arsenal to use against it.
I will also mention that my mentor suggested I again read “Recovering from Guilt and Shame” from Heart of the Mind (Connirae and Steve Andreas), and “Sin” from My Voice Will Go With You, The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson (Sidney Rosen). I’m looking forward to reading through these and continuing on in my journey of self and OTHER discovery!
In closing I would like to share a quick story about one of my weight loss clients.
My client was having a hard time getting past the thought that she HAD to cook full, homemade meals for her and her partner at supper time, no matter how late it was when she got back from a full day’s work. She had created a hard, set rule for herself that this was just the way it HAD to be. She could NOT break this rule.
In working with her through exploration and just peeling the layers of the onion back, she realized that this rule had been manifested around a time when she was very young and vulnerable. Food was scarce and she was the one to make sure she and her sister were fed.
Seeing that she was now in a place of safety and security, where there was food to be had, she realized that she could simply let go of this rule of bondage. She could CHOOSE what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. She no longer felt like she had to eat everything on her plate, and she no longer felt like she had to make overly big meals anymore.
Letting go of this constricting mindset and behaviour gave her the chance to show kindness and grace for herself, and to find just the right amount of ease in her food choices even throughout the day.
#rulesandbreakingthem #gracekindness #forgiveness #safetyandsecurity #choose #mindsetandbehaviour
